The bitter taste of disappointment.

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Sitting here on a Friday night, the mellow beats of Radiohead in the background matching my somber mood… nothing sucks more than the disappointment of a shattered hope. I put myself on the line. I dreamed a dream. And with one swift phone call, that dream was lost. A kick in the stomach, a sinking feeling of rejection. You blame yourself, and pick apart every minute of the process. What if I’d done this, or said that? Who knows. Life is one door opening after another closes, and that’s the truth. Feel the feelings, take the time to be down about it. Then get back up slowly, one step at a time. 

I’ve come to realise lately that you’ve really got to have your own back. Yes, family and friends will always be there for you, but in reality everyone is just trying to keep their own heads above water. You can shout and scream all you like and not make a dent, or you can quietly resolve to be better tomorrow. Set your own personal goals and take however long you need to get there. One thing it’s taken me years to stop doing was apologising and explaining myself. So what if I don’t feel like doing this, or going there? You do you and let me worry about me. I’m not saying a nudge in the back isn’t called for now and then – we all need some gentle encouragement in rough times. But by and large we need to pick our own selves up from the floor and persevere, for any positive changes to last the distance.

We all have those songs we listen to on repeat when we’re feeling down. I’ve lost track of how many situations this song has healed me through… his echoing, haunting voice gives me shivers every time.

Forget about your house of cards, and I’ll do mine… 

Anyway I hope you have a great weekend, doing whatever it is that makes you feel alive. Try not to let little disappointments rule your happiness. Take a moment to process your reality, and then move on. That’s all we can really do 🙂

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Photo credits – hvmansouls & lafemmesauvage_

I could run. Or, I could stay.

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We’ve all been there before – a new situation, experience, job or activity that kicks in our fight or flight response. We want to run back to the comfort of familiarity, things we know, smells we like. We try to smile genuinely, to appear engaged… when all we really want to do is run back home, snuggle under the blankets and curse ourselves for trying new things. But pushing ourselves through this first period of discomfort is essential for growth. Stepping into the unknown makes us stronger, more resilient, and ultimately better prepared for the next challenge.

As I embark on my new challenge I’ll try to remember these things in the face of obstacles, where my instinct to run is sometimes overwhelming. Nobody likes learning through mistakes and being the ‘young apprentice’. My brain is overloaded with new procedures, unfamiliar systems and practices. But I need to take a step back, realise that learning takes time, and patience is key. Putting too much pressure on myself to know everything at once is just stupid, and we should all cut ourselves some slack.

So, with tired eyes, I’ll push myself up and try again today. I’ll lean on my family and friends for support and words of encouragement, but ultimately will find the strength within to persevere. That’s all I can really ask for today, and that’s totally fine 🙂

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Photo credits – circleofpines & airpixels